What do you do when you don't want to do anything? I felt like I had no more energy last week. I called in sick two days in a row. I stayed home whole time. It's nice to stay with kids but it wasn't that nice this time because all I really wanted was staying away from EVERYTHING. I get scared when I feel this way. I feel like I don't know how to lead my life any more. Everything is just so overwhelming. Suddenly I realize oh, I have two kids to take care of. Oh, my husband is not working. Oh, parents are getting older. Oh, what if I get sick one day? I thought about all these and ended up having headache. I needed something to hold myself. I started reading. I'm really getting into reading these days. I'm really glad that I found the joy of reading even though it's late. I feel like I find something to do when I'm retired. I can't wait to do it. Some people say they are afraid of getting older. Oh, I'm not. I'm looking forward to getting older. Living my life these days feels like doing homework for me. I'm not enjoying day by day now. I wish kids were grown up already and I'm ready to retire and stay home reading all day. That is my dream. I guess I got tired. After 5days of break, I felt better and went to work to do some paperwork last night. I got some sense of work back and told myself to go on my journey. But this morning somebody from work texted me some rediculous message and ruined my day. I got furious and wanted to text her back but I stopped right before I pushed 'send' button and I breathed deeply. It's not safe to talk her back when I'm emotional. I can talk about it later when it's safer. I want to let it go to make my day better but it's not easy.

I'm up at night by myself now. This is the most precious time that I can't give up. Time always fly so fast especially when I'm enjoying like this. I feel much better now. I've been having hard time feeling powerless and helpless. There were a lot of things happened or happening. I felt like I was spinning in the water not knowing where to go. I thought and thought about everything that makes my heart heavy again and again to find out the real reason I feel unhappy. Then eventually I realized that I wasn't honest to myself. I told myself that I have no more energy. I don't want to do anything. I don't even care any more. I'm not interested in anything. They were not TRUE. I find myself still getting excited with many things. When I digged and digged deep down my heart, it was there. My self-esteem and confidence at the very bottom level. One thing I can never get over is English. Spoken English to be specific. No matter what you have in you, how would you show it to others if you can't speak? I feel like I'm stuck. I encounter so many times that I'm just too limited to convey what I'd like to say. I have so many chances to meet people and speak English now. Since I went into the management position, I was pushed to the corner that I really have to speak. I wanted to avoid if possible. I wanted to escape if possible. Things are not going so well with my husband's job. I thought about going back to Korea. Of course it's not easy. It's even harder in a way. When I realized there's nowhere to go back, I felt frustrated. Plan B is not going to happen in real. I asked myself today. Would I still think about going back to Korea even if I speak good English? The answer was NO. I complained about a lot of things but something really bothered me from deep inside was my confidence in speaking English. If I can have more confidence, I can handle things better. When things go unfair, I could say something to protect me. The problem is not that I don't know how to speak of it but that I want to avoid talking because I'm afraid of sounding stupid. Can you understand how I feel? 5 years after I came to America, my fear for speaking is actually worse. I don't like the way I talk. I don't like the sound I make. I just don't want to talk. But what can you do without talking? You still have to talk but you don't like it then you hate yourself. That's what happened to me. I was really upset last week because my husband didn't get the job that we both thought we wanted. Today I asked myself. What was I really upset at? What did I expect? How much do I care about my husband's job? I love him and I want him to find something that he likes. But honestly I like him staying home taking care of kids and me also. When he applied to the job, I think I was expecting to unload the burden of making money for a living off my shoulder. I cared more about myself than his job. When I say 'burden', 99% of it means the stress of speaking English because the job itself is not that hard and I actually like it. Okay...back to the point. I decided to start practing speaking again. I had stopped since when....I don't even remember. I don't even speak any English at all when I'm off then I say I want to speak good English. How rediculous I am. I have to do it again. I have to do it everyday. I'll get over English first then think about the rest later if I still feel unhappy. I hope it will happy because I already feel better tonight only after spending 30minutes on reading English outloud. English was the fear that was choking me. Let's do something for myself. Something really vital to keep my self-esteem. I'm tired of saying it but it's English. I don't know how long it will take to get this over but I need to remember I have to practice everyday, literally everyday. Before feeling depressed, I'll ask myself first. Did I practice today? I have something to do for myself. I'm happier already. Do not avoid. There's no where to escape to. I belong here.

Had a playdate for Arene. She's so good with everybody. I thought she was little timid when she was younger and I tried things that I thought would help her more confidence. I don't know what really helped her but I can see she's really better. She's behaving so properly being confidnet enough but not too much. All moms in my neighborhood want to playdate with Arene. I'm proud of her. When people say something about Arene, the most frequenlty used term is being appropriate. I'm taking it as compliment for now. I'm a bit concerned about it too. Am I too strict to her? I know she likes pink but she says she likes blue when she knows there's only one pink fork and her friend likes pink. Other moms likes to playdate with Arene because there's no trouble between Arene and any other kids at all. They call Arene peace maker. Sometimes I feel sorry for Arene. I want her to feel free to say what she wants. I don't usally say no to her as long as it's safe. I allow her to explore. I try to encourage her. But I give her very concrete limit and we all have to stick to it. My husband and I talk a lot about Arene so we can be on the same page. I want her to grow up with open spirit but I can't stand when kids don't behave. Behaving is always from adults point of view. That's what I'm worried about. Probably I'm setting boundaries around my daughter already. This thought bothers me.

I ran a marathon yesterday. It was my second 13miles run in my life. I took 3hrs to finish. I can't run all the way. I walked and ran and then walked again. I went with my friend and her husband. They are good. They made it for 2hrs and 15mins. I wanted my husband to go too but he's got a bad knee. He wants to be careful since he hurt his knee while riding skating years ago. It's good to go running once in a while. For those 3hrs that I walked or ran myself I thought about a lot of things happening around me. My legs and my heart were working hard but it was actually like a break for my head. I felt really good after running.
My legs are hurting today but it's not as bad as last time. I'd better train more regularly. It was raining so heavily this morning. I dropped off Arene at her preschool then stopped by YMCA to get info about family membership. They have good programs and the price is pretty reasonable. Arene's taking semi-private swimming lessons now every week and it's expensive. YMCA sounds good and they have art and dance classes for kids too. My husband and I can work out together too. They'll even babysit Sean for us for free. Isn't it amazing? I'll wait till the end of the year and register. To keep whole family active is my new year's resolution.

What's wrong with me? I worked the night before and then got home. Spent some time watching TV then fell asleep. I woke up around 3pm and played with kids little bit. I felt tired again. I was reading a book lying on my stomach then dozed off again. It was only 7pm. My husband told me to go to bed. I thought I was going to take a NAP probably till 9pm or so. When I opened my eyes again, it's 5:30 in the morning. How many hours did I sleep yesterday? It feels like I slept all day and then all night. Is this because I don't work out any more? I used to walk...at least. I'm losing my strength. My body just can't stand working nightshift now. Work is okay. I'm too busy to watch the clock. 12hrs just flies. By the time I get home, I'm exhausted. I have other things to take care of but I'm not doing it. Mom's leaving in 10 days. What are we going to do after? I'm getting worried already. I need to start doing exercise again.

I can't stand it any more. I feel so weak and I'm always tired or sleepy. I woke up early in the morning. Everyone else was sleeping. Yeah, it's my time. I would watch TV or read a book but today I stopped myself. I did exercise. It takes only 40mins but it was hard because I haven't done it for a while. But when I was done, I felt so good. My body felt really good. Yes, this is what I need. I have to keep this.
We ordered some present for Sean on-line. I'm going to go pick it up with my husband. My husband says we have so many toys already but it's all for arene. I wanted to get something for Sean too. I feel sorry for him. Everything he's got is all pink. all second hand from Arene. I'm not getting anything new for her for holiday. I don't want her to know about holiday gift yet. I'm just getting one good thing for Sean with holiday discount. I'm sure Arene will enjoy this toy too. I'm excited already for this toy. Mom decided to go back home a week early. My uncle is sick. There are things she needs to take care of. I hope this toy will occupy Sean and give me some free time.

I'm so tired of this holiday season already. There are so many parties. I don't like to go partying but sometimes I have to because it's part of my social life. Even yesterday I had two parties that I had to go. When I got back home I was exhausted. I just hope this crazy season go away fast. I kind of miss my boring but peaceful routine life. Everything is out of normal now. Arene's preschool and swimming club goes on their vacation. There is performance at church. There's snow festival that I need to take my kids to. My mind is just busy this month. I can't wait for the new year with my old routine again.
It's cold. It made me want something hot for my stomach. We went out eating for lunch. We had pho. My family all love pho. Even arene finished her kid's noodle. Pho is one of things that really relieves me. I'm so glad that we found this nice pho place in the neighborhood.

I started feeling sick at work the night before. When I got home yesterday morning, I took medicine and went to bed. But I had to get up early to go to a birthday party of Arene's friend. Stayed there for about 3 hrs. I got home and went to bed again. How many hours did I sleep after that? I was going to work to do some paperwork last night but when I opened my eyes it was 2am already. I still could go but I just couldn't get myself up. I fell asleep again. I woke up again at 6am. I managed to get up this time and went to work. I met Rozina and signed on my 6months eval. She gave me good eval. I got all 'exceed'. I know I don't need EXCEED in everything but it feels good because they recognized me. I still have some chills. I just don't feel good. But I have to go shopping with mom. She's leaving tomorrow night. I'm sure she's got things to buy. My mind is too busy now. Every single day has something to do. I want to get it over with and greet the new year. Judy wrote on the card to me "Your brillance inspires me. You have come so far...and so far to go." She is the one who always inspires me. I feel she's sometimes cold but sharp. I like her that way. She is right. I really have come so far if you know me from the beginning. And she is right again. I have long way to go even from now. I'm so grateful to have her around. I learn a lot from her. I think of all the nice people around me now. Yes, I am lucky. With all these people around me, I can say I had a good year in 2011. Thank you all.

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